XO

Today Elliott Smith's Waltz #2 came on my shuffled itunes.
I wasn't prepared for such a visceral reaction, especially at work. My
stomach sank and tears welled up in my eyes. Not because Elliott is now
deceased, (no I didn't know him and I don't know why I just called him
by his first name. I hate when people do that.) I think I choked up
because I had flashed back to those feelings that he so often sang
about.

Desperation. Loneliness. Sickness.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

It reminds me of a time in my life where I was struggling to keep the
wheels on the cart and not succumb to a brown abyss. Where I spent
every day in a frantic scramble to get myself together, only to have
more and more chaos ensue.

The weird thing is, even 8 years later I still relate to this song. Only now it's under different circumstances.

I'm here today and expected to stay on and on and on
I'm tired
I'm tired

Looking out on the substitute scene
Still going strong
XO, Mom
It's ok, it's alright, nothing's wrong

Tell Mr. Man with impossible plans to just leave me alone
In the place where I make no mistakes
In the place where I have what it takes

I'm never gonna know you now
But I'm gonna love you anyhow
I'm never gonna know you now
But I'm gonna love you anyhow
I'm never gonna know you now
But I'm gonna love you anyhow

I have to go back to work now but my hope is that I never lose touch with
those feelings. Because then I'd forget to feel grateful for where I am
today, and all the things I mistakenly take for granted.