Kabbullshit

I've been wanting to check out a class, (or series of classes) on Kabbalah for years now. I finally have some time in my schedule and could actually commit to a one night a week class. The Kabbalah Centre offers free introductory lectures for beginners Tuesday and Thursday nights, so last night I decided to go.

When I walked in I was greeted by two handsome young guys sitting at a table. They gave me a Hello My Name Is tag and asked me to fill out a form with my name, address, email, work profession (RED FLAG NUMBER ONE,) contact number and the usual how'd you hear about us box. (Let's see. I heard about Kabbalah since I'm Jewish and anyone who's awake while driving down Robertson can see the behemoth poster tauting the "free" lectures.)

I wrote my name on the sticker and was led to a small conference room with two round tables and a podium. I was the first to arrive so I picked a good spot, threw my stuff down and texted Hubbie. Two seconds later a gentleman comes in and sits RIGHT NEXT TO ME, even though there were seventeen other seats open. He introduces himself and he has a really thick Israeli accent so I couldn't quite make out what else he said.

That is until he said, "What brings you here?" (None of your business!)

"Well, I've always had an interest in Kabbalah and I am Jewish but don't go to temple much and I guess I'm looking for a little spirituality...in a nutshell" I say. I make it a point to look back down at my phone and continue texting because I don't want this guy hitting on me. Next thing i know he says, "so, you clean for Passover?"

"What?"

"YOU. You clean for passover, eh?" (Well, I plan on showering Monday, yes. WTF do you mean?)

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" as I raise an eyebrow. Then people start to file in. One woman was carrying a bottle of water so I asked her if there was a vending machine nearby. I had left mine in the car and was parched! She points over to the bookstore/giftshop. (RED FLAG NUMBER TWO) I run over and grab a bottle of water from the shelf and bring it to the register. It was then that I realized I was buying Kabbalah water. The label on the bottle literally read KABBALAH WATER and had a disclaimer at the bottom saying something like "although drinking water is good for your health, Kabbalah water makes no claims to be any better for you than regular old tap water but we're going to charge you $2.50 anyway because isn't the label cute with the clouds and red string?"

While I'm waiting to be rung up another woman comes up to me and says, "Samantha?"

"Yes???" I say.

"Come with me. Hurry up the class is starting!" she says with an almost shrill tone.

I run back to the conference room and still two more people wander in a few minutes after me, in no rush at all. Who was that woman and why did she single me out? (RED FLAG NUMBER THREE)

The lecture began by the teacher going around the room and asking what brought us there. There were only seven of us so that went by quickly. Especially since three of the seven didn't give an answer, one being Indecipherable Israeli dude.

After the forty-five minute lecture which was like listening to one big long teaser, the teacher asked if anyone had any questions. The guy to my right raises his hand and says, "I’m a personal life coach and I’m not making enough money. And I need to make a LOT more money than I do now. That is my biggest concern and I just want to know, will I learn how to make more money in this course? What class teaches about how to become rich? Does Madonna come to this center? On what nights? Any other celebrities come here? They do? OH that’s a bonus! So tell me, how much money can I expect to make after taking this course? As we all know you can never have enough money. And I just don't have enough money and I need to know what Kabbalah will do for me so I can make more money. And what if I miss a class, can I make it up? Can Madonna tutor me?"

I could not believe my ears. I was stunned. Was he kidding? Instead of the teacher saying something along the lines of this course isn't about making more money and if you're looking for that maybe you should take Donald Trump's Learning Annex class or better yet, hit up a Tony Robbins seminar.

Know what he said? "Kabbalah will make you a better businessman and bring wealth to you if you take these classes. Kabbalah can do amazing things in your life, you just need to know how to channel it."

Psycho says, "Ok great. When? When will I start making money? First class? Second class? If I take the class twice will I make twice as much money???"

The teacher says, "Why don't you ask one of our mentors here. Introduce yourselves. They are here to answer questions and assist you in the enrollment process." I look around and realize three of the seven people in the lecture are "mentors" there to get you to sign up for a ten week series. As soon as the teacher said that, the guy to my left says, "So, whaddaya think? Are you interested?" (NOT ANYMORE!!!!)

IndecipherableIsraeliDude...a mentor! There to chat me up I suppose. As soon as the teacher walked out it became very apparent that they were going for the hard sell on us. I wasn't gonna stick around for it either. I gathered my things and fished my keys out of my bag while I listened to INeedALotMoreMoneyMan tell a "mentor" that he had to check his calendar at home because HE TRAVELS A LOT FOR BUSINESS!!!!!

He said it so loud and so deliberate to make sure all seven of us heard him......in the 10 by 15 foot room. What a schmuck.

I high-tailed it out of there disappointed that I'd wasted an hour and a half, and sitting next to that shmegegge no less! I guess it's back to the drawing board for me as far as spirituality goes. In the meantime I'll go back to my old standby; drinking a bottle of wine while watching the Food Network. No doubt it's still when I feel the most peaceful.

Shalom!